You are reading this article. Chances are good that the world didn’t come to an end Dec. 21. By some twisted logic, if you’re not reading it, I’m hoping it’s because the world did come to an end, but that’s probably selfish. All this talk got me thinking about smart things to do to pass the time until the actual end of the world.
1. Sue someone. With concealed- and open-carry laws, it’s probably safer than a direct confrontation. Who doesn’t enjoy having a process server hand over “you’ve been sued” papers to the enemy?
2. Fire someone, or quit your job for a bad reason. Be inappropriate with your favorite employee or mean to the ones you don’t like.
3. Commit a crime, just something minor. Steal a pack of gum. Even if you get arrested, booked and jailed, you’ll be set free when the world finally ends.
4. Tell people how you really feel about them, but only if it’s really, really bad. Get it off your chest. You’ll both feel better.
5. Try synthetic pot. I’ve heard it’s a lot different than the weak stuff all my friends tried in college. Stay away from meth, though. It makes you lose your teeth.
6. Max out your credit cards, then order some new ones and max those out, too. What’s the worst that could happen – getting sued?
7. Do something nice for someone. Just kidding. That would be dumb.
8. Get a tattoo, on your forehead.
9. Call Mitt Romney. What the hell!
If you continue to worry about the eventual decimation of humankind, just imagine the joyful scene 24 hours later: There will be a brand-new start, with lots of new attorneys making the world a better place.
Barry McGuire knew exactly what was coming back in 1965, when he recorded Eve of Destruction: “But you tell me over and over and over again my friend/Ah, you don’t believe we’re on the eve of destruction.”
It turns out we weren’t, not this time, anyway.
In the event the world continues to spin for eternity but for some reason you’ve followed any of my suggestions and are now in trouble with the law, I know a good attorney.